I long to have a home.
I long to have a home.
What a crazy mesh of emotion my heart is going thru right now. It is really hard to believe that one can feel deeply saddened and grieved yet at the exact same moment feel absolute joy. The heart can feel completely alone and isolated all the while feeling surrounded and protected. I don’t know how this works. Life has never felt more real than it does now. Life is so hard and complex and yet so simple and beautiful.
The Lord is bringing up so much in my heart. I am easily reminded of my lack. Of my mess. Of my fears. Of the place that I am in now and all that I will need to go through to come out better than when I went in. I don’t know how to walk this out. I don’t know what I should be doing this year. I mean, I know I will be in school, moving, finding a job and taking care of Bailey but I don’t know what my HEART is suppose to do. I prayed a really scary prayer again last nite. You know that prayer of asking the Lord to do what it takes in order to get you into the place that He has called for you. If you have not prayed that then please note: God is Faithful. I prayed that prayer about a year before I left for Hawaii to do my DTS with YWAM. That was one of the loneliest years of my life. I lived alone, had no friends and no man even looked at me. BUT…I learned so much that year. I was broken to a new level. My heart started to become free.
I feel like this year is going to be a year of breaking free and allowing the Lord to fight for me.
“The Lord will fight for you- you need only to be still!”
This is the most comforting yet frightening scripture to me. For 1. I am a fighter. 😉 2. Being still?
AHHH! So to sum things up. I need all the prayers I can get for this year because you better believe I want all that the Lord has for me. You better believe I have so much to learn and have every intention to go thru the fire. And you better believe that just because my heart is joyful and I am strong in the Lord DOES NOT mean that I am not sad and broken and so weak sometimes. One of the difficult and lonely thing about being a strong black woman and a strong white woman is that people tend to leave you alone because they see that you are not wimpering in a corner. There are days that I do wimper in the corner. BuT! I will not allow the enemy to destroy me. I have to get up. I have a destiny and a hope and a future that needs to be had. I will have it. If you know me even a bit then you know that I hate to lose. Maybe coming from an athletic family and being the oldest of 2 wonderful brothers (whom I seriously destroyed over the years) has made me that way. Of course it has.
So many of you have been so kind and have asked me what I need during this beautiful mess that is my life right now. Here is the list:
Can I just tell you that my life is great.
Can i just tell you that I have the most lovely blue eyed daughter.
Can I just tell you that over the past few weeks I have met some people who are so special to me. Some great companions for the journey.
Can I just tell you that I am so sick of school. My brain is too full!!
Can I just tell you that my heart is so full of joy right now and usually.
Can I just tell you that I am a good cook and I love to cook.
Can I just tell you that I am so thankful for this season of my little life.
Can I just tell you that walls are being torn down and my heart is becoming free!
Can I just tell you that I cut my hair last nite and I did a really good job.
Can I just tell you that even though certain people in my life have chosen not to fight for me, My God says that He will fight for me.
Can I just tell you that I joke way too much but I am working on it.
Can I just tell you that you should never say never because the plans of the Lord are way bigger.
There are so many things I would love to do now. Not now but in the near future. The first thing that keeps popping in my head tonight is going to Europe. I think I have been listening to way to much Lisa Hannigan and Damien Rice but I want to go. I don’t really care which part. Norway would be in the top 5 and Ireland sounds lovely. I mean, the accent sounds lovely. I am sure it is breathtaking. I LOVE ACCENTS. I love that there is a story behind them. They, whoever has an accent, so everyone to someone, are from somewhere else, if the accent isn’t my own, and they have a story. I lean more towards the European accent any day though. I pick up accents and languages fairly quickly so I am sure that wherever I go, I will come back talking like a local. I love that.
I want to skydive. Why? Because I am deathly afraid of heights. I am deathly afraid of water too. Big water. A month ago, I walked on this random, crazy scary little bridge out over some crazy body of water. I was scared but knew if I fell in that J. would first laugh then jump in and help me out. I really was scared about that. Gotta face your fears right? I thought I faced my water and heights fear when I went cliff jumping in Jamaica. That was the dumbest thing I could have done. I am not a great swimmer either. It was one of those things that when you are in mid air, you realize what the heck you just did and start to panic but before your sympathetic nervous system can kick in, you are hitting water and better figure it out. So dumb. So scary. I would never do that again. Not on purpose anyways. So skydiving. Sounds crazy and dumb but I am up for it just once. Why not..
I want to take a roadtrip with my brothers. We shall do that this summer when I go to K.C to visit. I want to go to St.Louis. Not too far but far enough being in the car with my bro’s. We should go to a show and eat a lot and listen to lil wayne or one of them lil’s.
I want to go to a restaurant and have them teach me how to cook. For example, my favorite Thai place is Grand Thai. I became friends with the owner because I used to go there so much and he and the sushi chef said I could come in sometime during the week when they were slow and they would teach me about sushi. I love food. I love to cook. I love to learn. Perfect.
I want to fly somewhere by myself. Maybe this could be Europe or my beach trip that I am praying for. Every time I fly, I am entertaining a child by myself. I am always jealous of that chic who has her book and her headphone and neck pillow. She always has good snacks that I want in her little bag. I have crayons and gold fish. Just me and a book and my ticket. ( I am sure I will get placed near the screaming baby though)
I want peace in my day and a few great companions who are gonna walk with me thru the pages of my story. I said on facebook today that I feel like Frodo. Frodo Baggins of the Shire. It is time to return the ring and all that the ring symbolizes. I am carefully picking those few who will battle with me. I know there will be good days and bad days and lots of lonely days but it is not about just me. There is a story to be told. A story that will impact the characters in the later chapters. I don’t know the next chapter. I don’t even know the end of this page. I do know its an adventure. A friend of mine, G. said that God invites us to go on the journey. We don’t have to. He just simply invites.
My bags are packed. Let’s go! (maybe I should update my passport 🙂
Another sleepless night. So much is going on in this noggin of mine. Things just never go according to “plan”. My plan. The Lord reminded me of the word BOUNDaries while I lay awake last nite. I wanted to write it all down then but I was just too tired to get up. This past year or so for me has really been about learning what that word means. I have learned that boundaries are not something that you put on someone else. They are for you. For me. They are a choice and they demand an action. Boundaries are beautiful. They are like a promise. The word doesn’t look so freeing. I mean-the first half of the word is BOUND. Its like the terms submission is reference to a wife of her husband. It sounds so limiting. But its quite the opposite. Boundaries say: you can talk like that but I will not listen, you can make a mess but Im not going to clean it up, you can come home drunk but I will not be here, you can try to put me down but I am staying up. Its hard at first. You have to make them known.
Being bound and having boundaries are quite different. My heart has been bound for so long. My heart has been abused. My story is one of freedom. Freedom with boundaries. I am learning a new set of boundaries. I am LEARNING. I don’t know this new set yet. I don’t know how this works. I am in a difficult yet so beautiful season of life right now. I feel like I am in a waiting place. Like an airport. Flight is canceled. Its not suppose to be. Don’t know when the next flight will take off. Just waiting. I love the artist from Kansas City by the name of Laura Hackett. (get it on itunes) Her songs are raw and real and beautiful and sad and hopeful. Raw.Real.Beautiful.Sad.Hopeful. There is a song on her newest album and I think its called “There’s a gap” it goes:
“What’ll I do here in the waiting. What’ll I do with my unsatisfied heart. What’ll I do here in the waiting. In the tension of believing again and again and again. “
I love that. The tension is real. The question is real. What’ll I do Lord? I am waiting. I keep believing. The Lord has not once let me down. People have. Lots and lots of people have. That is okay. I am sure I have let some of you down too.
I am reading this book called,”A Million Miles in a Thousand Years” by Donald Miller. I am seeing things different. My thoughts are different. The end of chapter 12 made me cry. Here is goes:
“…that we were designed to live THROUGH something rather than to attain something, and the thing we were meant to live through was designed to change us. THE POINT OF THE STORY IS THE CHARACTER ARC, THE CHANGE” hello!!
can i get an AMEN?! I am being changed. So back to boundaries. I will write them down. I will tell a friend. I will have accountability. I will not facebook chat at 1am. I will sleep. Maybe I will facebook chat at 1. Gotta think about that one. I will trust that the Lord knows what’s up and that HE is bigger than the problem. That HE knows my heart. He created it. He loves me. done.
This past week has been so exhausting yet so wonderful. I am loving my new church so much. I love that it is my “black sand beach”. that was an inside joke. I have gotten to know three wonderful people from that beach this week. I am so happy. We have inside jokes, we laugh, we love Jesus. I know that two out of the three are reading this so and it may or may not be about you. that is an inside joke. I am thankful for you three. Thank you for reaching out..for sharing your story…for hearing mine…I am excited to do life with you..Excited to cross things off our bucket lists..that is an inside joke..and excited to go thru our late twenties together..that is an inside joke…i don’t like when other people have inside jokes. I feel so left out.. the mystery of wondering what the heck people are talking about..wanting to have been there so i could be apart of the joke too. Be intentional, make time for one another, break bread together. the jokes will come. Who do we blog for? Is it just for me? No. I am hoping you will read this. I am hoping you will leave a comment. I am hoping something in each post will spark something in you. I am hoping you will hear my heart in a way that can only be shared via my blog. I have a new book to read now. its called “a thousand years and a million miles”. I will start it in the morning. I am now excited for my birthday! Remember-i don’t like diet things or fru fru things. No fancy weed salads. White cake. I am pumped about Sunday dinners, going to Philly, wineries and dominating you with the ab wheel. You will get dominated fyi. more inside jokes. can’t wait to learn more about the ck’s out there. nite.
trying to figure out how to best articulate all that i want to say. i think i will take the bullet point approach. there is just too much random stuff.
*today was just fabulous. chatted with new friends on my new computer 🙂
*I am so tired of going to school.one year left-feel like forever
*My new church is AMAZING! I am blown away
*I am really excited about my new girlfriends
*I am pumped out it being spring, although the weather has been crazy. Working out, smoothies, lunches, gardens, friends, trips?, games, windows open, sitting outside
*Learning how not to rush this season of my life. Im ready for my new life but we have a legal system that takes a while
*I have wonderful neighbors-they are from Nepal-we eat together, they watch Bailey, we talk about life
*Bailey is so beautiful. Her blue eyes, blonde hair, smile, hands, belly, teeth, cheeks. She is my doll
*I am on a Chipotle kick. I love Chipotle.
*God is so faithful. I am not just saying that in hopes for the future. I am saying that because of the past. What HE has already done. wow. blown away
*Dear new season of life, Bring it!
*I love the following artists: Jason Upton, Misty Edwards and Laura Hackett. They are rocking my world right now. Lots.
*I want to live in Anthropologie. My home will look like that.
*I am not excited for summer. I hate the heat. I sweat a lot. blah. Those who like summer, i have found, are those non sweaters.jerks.
*I want a clothes line in my backyard. I will use it.
*I don’t like leather seats in a car
*I can’t wait to be 30!! That is gonna be my best year. Me and my best gal are gonna go to Greece.
*I have so much on my bucket list. I want to cross off one thing a month (at least)
*I don’t like lids on cups. I will take my mug everywhere-not a travel mug.speaking of mugs…..I collect them. I love them
*I like lots of cream in my coffee, white cake and vanilla ice cream….well, drumstick ice cream but you get the point.
*I want to go to Norway, Nepal and California…and Canada and Iceland
* I am confident and motivated with Jesus and a story. Sounds like a powerful combo
*I am a dental hygiene student. If I have seen you in person. I have noticed your teeth, classified you and have your treatment plan ready. Would you like a whiter, brighter smile?
*I wake up happy
*I go to be excited
*I love the camera. I am a model. I have lots of photographers as friends. The camera and I are dear friends. That is my art. Its fun to actually be the art. A painting can’t say that.
*Brown is my favorite color. I am my favorite color
*I grew up in Kansas City. I love the midwest and am slowly liking the east coast. I am a midwest girl at heart though. (but..i do hate walmart)
I just love this look. I wonder what she does for a living. I bet she works in marketing or p.r. I bet she smokes Marlboro ultra lights, but only when she drinks…and she drinks red wine…and not the cheap stuff. She is just dating and doesn’t want kids because then she couldn’t just go to Paris (p.s this pic is from The Sartorialist blog if you haven’t checked it out. Its WONDERFUL). I bet she did her undergrad at UCLA. She has a younger sister. She watches Lost. She played tennis in college. She makes way too much money for what she really does and has really nice sheets on her bed. She is a vegetarian. She has never built anything or been to the midwest..wait..she went to Chicago to a baseball game with her x boyfriend. She doesn’t believe in marriage because she was once engaged and got her heart broken. I would love to meet her. I wonder what people think about me without knowing a thing. I wonder what I “look” like.
P.S. I bought those shoes a few weeks ago!