Monthly Archives: May 2010

Clarity

Craving clarity, we attempt to eliminate the risk of trusting GOD”
My heart for so long has craved this thing of clarity.  This statement shatters all that I have come to know and hope in. The magnitude of what that means on a heart level is so overwhelming that my eyes fill with tears each time I take a moment to breathe that into my soul.  My life will never look the same. It is that tidbit of information (referring to the quote) that stays with you on a daily basis, that haunts you at night that lingers in your mind like a bad wine on the palate.  Knowing that now I am held accountable to it. To TRUST.  Such a FreeIng ReSponsibilitY. I am so humbled by this. It shuts me up, stops my plans, opens my heart challenges my motives and directs my gaze upward.

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Grateful

  TO BE GRATEFUL for an unanswered prayer, to give thanks in a state of interior desolation, to trust in the love of God in the face of the marvels, cruel circumstances, obscenities, and commonplaces of life is to whisper a doxology in darkness”
-Brennan Manning as he rocks my face off in ‘Ruthless Trust’

Midwest

You know what I like most about the midwest? No…Its not the Super Wal-mart who prostitutes herself on each corner like little Ms. Starbucks does out here. And, it is not the overall lack of style. I like and by like I mean LOVE the sense of community. No wait….It is not a sense….It IS.
People actually get together. Yep.
Strange concept out here on the East Coast where everyone lives a good hour away and everyone is “too busy” and you get penciled in for the end of the month only to get pushed back because something came up. WOW. Do I sound angry?
I am not. Not at all.
Just slightly annoyed.
I have 2 faithful friends out here and i made a new one today…I think she will be faithful too.
Carrie and Virginia. You are faithful friends. Thank you. And Grace, you will be faithful.
Anyways…..
Yeah, so the midwest does quality time really well. The reasoning is not important….maybe there is absolutely nothing to do and there is no traffic so you can get anywhere in 15 minutes but that is not the point….you make time for that which you find important. People are important to the Midwest. Work is important to the East Coast. Not wrong WRONG just different.
I want to bring the crazy concept of “Community” to the East Coast.
It is going to be so so challenging. I have tried before and failed.
I will try again.
So give me a few folks who want to break bread together and share life together and I will bake bread.

Freeing?

My life feels so open right now. I feel like I can be whatever I want to be and live wherever I want to live and write whatever I want to write and sleep whenever I want to sleep.
As freeing as this may sound, it does come with some serious decision making if you read the last post you will know that I am great with making a decision. It just might not be the right one….but I will make one.
I think that sometimes, the Lord will lead us towards a certain decision or kinda give a “HEY, Over HERE!!” but that is not always or often the case, at least in my life.
There is a time when the Lord says, “Hey, you are a big kid now. YOU pick and I will bless you and shine upon you in that decision”.
Although the page of todays story was like the end of a chapter…like when you just have a few sentences on the page and then the rest of the page is blank..ya know..not a lot going on…A new chapter  is coming. That both excites and frightens me all at the same time.

A Vase of Tulips

A dear friend A. recommend this fabulous book called Vessels & Flowers by Sally Pickard and Brenda Dulmage. I am so glad that I ordered it. It is a book about personality types as a Christian woman. It is a GREAT book. It place us, as women, in  one of 5 vessels, which describe our temperament and one in seven flowers which describes our function. I went into this journey of the book hoping to be a basket but realized that I was a vase. A vase of tulips. Thank you Lord.
 Words describing the vase: takes charge, determined, enterprising, firm, bold, decisive, logical, impatient, strong-willed, demanding, arrogant, calculating, powerful and insensitive.
I was laughing out loud when reading the chapter because it was right on. I have accepted my vessel. It then goes on to talk about each vessel as  a: mother, wife, young adult, child and the challenges of each as well as the strengths.
Vase:
-her control and strength gives others confidence in her, a confidence that she knows what she is doing
-she expects others to reach her standards
-if you seek advice from a Vase she will tell you exactly what she thinks (hehe)
-good decision maker
-very productive
-if she feels a responsibility toward you, she will protect you to the end
-her forceful movement toward her goal means those who get in her way get “steam-rolled” (sorry. gotta getter done)
-knows where she is going and plans on paying the price to get there
-is well equipped to protect her husband and he can depend on her to “steam roll” others who try to undermine his authority
-is not afraid of pressure or confrontation

 It then gives each vessel a verse. My verse:
“She is clothed with strength and dignity. She can laugh at the days to come.”-Proverbs 31:25


Then the goes into your function. They use a flower to describe this. There are seven flowers and I am a tulip. A tulip is a leader. It says that the tulip, “is usually the first flower to come up in the Spring and when she does, she seems to be saying, “come on ladies. Let’s get going!””
Yep.
I am a tulip.
More things about a tulip:
-it is hard for her not to take control
-she likes to get up and get going early with a lot of enthusiasm
-enjoys making decisions, loves completing a task,
-doesn’t do well when a project gets all bogged down with disorganization or people problems
-takes responsibility and organizes what her husband puts in her charge
-if her husband takes charge she will follow him, but if he doesn’t, she is compelled to take over
-as a mother, she has a vision for her family and her children
-she builds her children’s character as she leads toward her vision
“You can tell the Tulip is a Leader when people naturally follow her”

I have learned so much about myself these 2 days while reading this book. I have learned the freedom in walking in who God has made me and how to bring my personality under the Lordship of Jesus. I have also learned to allow others to be who God has made them and how together we can make a beautiful bouquet. I recommend it to you. You better get it. wait a minute here…i am learning NOT to steam roll you into doing things…  Feel free to order the book if your heart so choses. 🙂

Things I learned today:

this is a dormer.

I had a great day. Just great. I learned a few things too:

1. most of the sulfuric compounds in an onion (the stuff that may or may not cause your eyes to water but flood gates are opened when I chop on onion) are concentrated at the base of the onion so you should cut that part last (or not at all). IT WORKS!!!!

2. when a 2 1/2 year old poops in her undies it is really gross. washing it off is even grosser but it is just poop. it washes off the hand just as easily as the butt.

3. a dormer is that little window thingy that pops out from a house. google it. (i didn’t know what it was either. thank you B. for that wonderful tidbit of info) (no wait. i found the pic to make it easier for you)

4. I am a basket or a vessel. Equally both but maybe more of a…i don’t know. I am reading this new book and it is AMAZING!!! Thank you A. for that 😉

5. CoCo Chanel was an orphan

6. If you marry a tortilla with chicken, cilantro, avocado, sea salt, tomato, jalepenos, corn, onion, lime juice, pepper, cumin and a plate then MAGIC will happen!

What did you learn today?

An Epic Story

I am debating whether to make you laugh or ponder…..

Ponder it is-
Is there something in life that you want SO bad. I mean not like you kinda want something but like your heart or belly or closet physically hurts because for whatever reason you will never get it or at least not right now? If you have not ever felt like this then my heart is really sad for you because although it is a hard thing to go thru, it is a beautiful thing to go thru.
It motivates, gets you up in the morning and allows you to dream and think and feel beyond yourself and the mundane life that you may or may not feel trapped in. It makes for a bigger story. Like I said a few sentences ago, it can be a person or Chipotle or a watch.
There are a few of these things that I really want. I am re-reading a book that has drastically changed my perspective on life. Here an excerpt. Just read it:

And I found myself wanting even better stories. And that’s the thing you’ll realize when you organize your life into the structure of story. You’ll get a taste for one story and then want another, and then another, and the stories will build until you’re living a kind of epic of risk and reward, and the whole thing will be molding you into the actual character whose roles you’ve been playing. And once you live a good story, you get a taste for a kind of meaning in life, and you can’t go back to being normal; you can’t go back to meaningless scenes stitched together by the forgettable thread of wasted time. The more practice stories I lived, the more I wanted an epic to climb inside of and see through till its end”-pg155 Donald Miller A Million Miles and a Thousand Years.
I don’t know about you but reading that does something to my soul.  It gets me fired up and ready to dream and live and grow. I want an epic story to be the main character of. There is so much risk involved wanting that. And I am realizing that but accept the challenge. And because I have accepted that..my heart hurts. Because sometimes in a story at the moment the character realizes what great mountain they get to climb, they realize all the pain and effort and time and lonely days it will take to get to the top. Every page is not exciting but remembering that every page gets you or myself one step closer to the end is satisfying for the soul.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

ps. the guys really don’t look like this. 
So I work at a lounge now. I am really enjoying it. The people watching in Arlington, VA is like none other. There are some great and interesting people out there and I am so glad to be able to meet some of these ‘characters’. They are not necessarily characters in MY story. I mean, for a few moments they are but what I mean is that they are funny people. What I am really enjoying is the male/female interactions…and to be more specific, the way the guys are with me. Our lounge has a TON of regulars and my lovely trainers introduce me to all of the regs. They are typically late 20’s to late 30’s professionals who make way too much money for the work they actually do so they work for the government.  Tonite I want to specifically talk about one gentleman whom we will call F. i forgot his name but it began with an F. so many of these characters have really cool exotic names. I like that.  So my boy F who is about 6’4, weighs probably 190, blue v-neck, ripped jeans, cool eyes, whitebread found out he was born in Bosnia and Amstel Light in hand SICK approaches me at the end of the bar and has NO clue how the next twenty minutes or so of his life are about to pan out. He shakes my hand and tries to order some drinks for his friends. 
Okay..so I don’t have to give all the little silly details. 
His name was very odd so I asked him where he was from. He told me to guess I LOVE the guess where I am from game because I think I am pretty good at it 🙂  I guessed Greece because he just had the look. He said close and that he was from Bosnia. Once again here comes my geography that I did not care to learn but is needed to know where heck Bosnia is.  so….anyways….Talked a bit about what he does and what I do and played guessing games on that one too.
F tells me that he is really interested in me and blah blah blah who knows maybe he could be the love of my life.  I let him know that I was probably NOT like the other girls and that a relationship between us would probably more than likely NOT work out for only a few thousand reasons. Then F asks to take me to dinner so that he can get to know me really F? wow. i feel so special. my heart is beating so fast. I am getting butterflies in my stomach and a bit nervous. just kidding I told him that I would love to but I have a few questions. I asked him what 2 desires of his heart were. 
Answer: buying a home for his parents in Bosnia and moving them back because they want to live there and they did so much for him. The second one was something like working with children or….I don’t remember that one. Oh..It just came to me. He said that he wanted to find fulfillment in life. I asked him where he thought that came from. I don’t remember his answer to that but it  had something to do with helping people and kids which led to him telling me that he was working at this elementary school today which lead to me asking why he was at an elementary school today if he works in IT which led to him telling me that it was community service which led to him telling me about his charge with possession of marijuana and coke. not classic either
This is the point of the story where I held up one hand, looking into my palm as if there were a list of all possible future spouses numbered neatly with a Sharpie on it and with my other hand I proceeded to use my pointer finger as the Sharpie to sadly cross his name off the list. I made a sad face, gently touched his well defined deltoid and apologized for my deletion of his name. I did assure him, however that we could be friends and I could see him again friday he better tip well too!! He talked to me every chance possible and kept trying to convince me that he was done selling coke and weed and I kept trying to convince him that I was so glad, so proud, so NOT going home with him. He was heartbroken but seems to leave happy with that drunk tall girl at the other end of the bar. (ps. all of this really did happen. I laughed inside a bit)
You mean he really didn’t care about me and my heart? I am in shock. 
Dear boys at the bar:
Get a man’s drink, some integrity and Jesus and then come say hi to me at the end of the bar. 
signed-bre aka the new girl aka halle. 

To be honest with you…

yes dear Beckham. I won’t tell them anything! don’t you worry. now go kick a ball.

Do you ever have those moments, days, weeks or even years where life just sucks? Me too, yet right now and for the past 3 days or so, life feels PERFECT. And I mean PERFECT. I can’t explain it at all. It feels as though everything has aligned in the heavens.
I was made for this moment. For this day. For this page of my story.
I feel alive like never before. I feel my heart beating and I hear my breath. It is THE coolest thing ever. I know it will not always be like this so I am just going to soak it all up while I can and write down as much of it as possible so that I will never forget this.
The sweet isn’t as sweet without the bitter.
I thought of this today as I was thanking God for my story and for the things that I can’t see and the upcoming chapters. The Lord has been speaking vERy loudly to my heart this one word:

WAiT
I mean…..It’s not the clearest of words to be spoken to a person but I think I kinda get it. I am all about going. As a type A, that is what we do. Get the job done. ‘Don’t put off for tomorrow what can be done today’. That quote sounds so perfect to me but…WAIT?!
I am learning the hard way in this season how to keep my mouth SHUT!!
I may or may not like to talk. May or may not.
I am learning to shut up more and to be honest with you, it is not very easy…but neither was learning to drive a manual, box fold a shirt, scale and debride a tooth, fold a fitted sheet, cook a juicy piece of chicken that was juicy AND cooked all the way through, make it to Kansas City with a 2 year old and a layover and a carseat and luggage and a carry on and hem a skirt but I somehow figured all of that out so how hard can shutting my mouth be..??
VERY HARD!!
There is something so powerful and beautiful in the restraint. I can feel it. I like it. It is new. I am learning. It flows into everything from that joke I was about to spew off or the little remark or the ‘did you know that…’ I am becoming more and more aware of it all and my soul is glad that my mouth has slowed down. maybe that is why i started blogging. i mean…i am not really TALKING. 
oh. and to give you some feedback from the previous post…the girl said that I could come to her wedding so KC here I come the week of July 3rd!!!!!

Randomnesses

Great day. I mean, today was a great day. It was a really busy day full of traffic and friends and an interview and Chipotle and crab rangoon. Chipotle definitely gets capitalized. crab rangoon…not so much.
I think I drank way too much coffee today. A great friend from the wonderful state of Iowa sent me a lb of coffee beans yesterday from the coffee shop she works at. The beans are perfect. Thank you Dana!!
So…
too much coffee today.
Speaking of coffee, why do people look at me funny when I order my drink at Starbucks? What do they think I am going to order..I smile a bit inside. I get a tall Americano in a grande cup. Now, I do use a lot of half and half but not THAT much. I like the room at the top because I like to drink my coffee without a lid. I don’t want it filled to the top while I am in my car. Plus….half the time those dang Starbucks employee’s don’t listen as the “Tall Americano in a Grande Cup” is called and they fill it up anyways…makes me shake my head……AND…while we are on Starbucks…..Do the Americanos not come double cupped anymore?? Please do answer if you work at Starbucks or know the protocol for that. When I used to work there, we double cupped the Americano. I like the double cup. Just saying…
So..
too much coffee today
I can’t sleep. I know its only 1am now but I am like WIDE AWAKE!!!!
This is never good for me at this such hour. My mind goes and goes and goes…..
Hmph…I want to keep this post light. Not get into TOO much crazy deep stuff of the heart. Keep it light. Write about your interview at Anthropologie today or something….Or how you looked EVERyWHERE today for a black head scarf and couldn’t find one….
Do you know what I think is gross? Biting fingernails….SICK!! Who does that? It’s just disgusting. That is why I bite my cuticles. Now THAT is good stuff right there.
I really feel like the year 2012 is going to be my year. That is the year I turn 30. I have wanted to be 30 for quite some time now. I think that number is just perfect. I am excited for where the story will be when I am 30.
You want to know what will always make me happy? I am going to tell you anyways
-a clean house
-gerber daiseys
-french pressed coffee
-jazz playing in the background
-full tank of gas in my car
I once ate a skittle that I found in the back of someones old car. It was in that little pocket that is stuck to the back of the passenger seat. I don’t know what that thing is called. But there was a skittle in it and I ate it.
I hate Kohls. I mean. I hate it…like really bad. I don’t support that place. AT ALL.
When I spent a summer in Cambodia, one of my most favorite things was doing Thai Chi with all the old people in front of the palace at 4:30. That was AWESOME. I also went to the Killing Fields in Cambodia. That was unreal. If you don’t know anything about the Killing Fields then a quick google search will help you or there is a movie conveniently called, “The Killing Fields” that talks about Pol Pot and what happened in Kampuchea in the 70’s. I took home a tooth that I found on the ground. Maybe that was prophetic.
I am really excited about something. I can’t tell you though. Just know that I am excited….and….I can’t sleep a lot because of the excitement.
And lastly, I am really thankful to all of the people in my life who have sent me gifts in the mail and emails and encouraging comments. I have been so overwhelmed by the responses that I have gotten because of this Beautiful Mess that I am in.  I thank the Lord that at least one life other than my own has been impacted by HIS POWER and FAITHFULNESS and GOODNESS and MERCY.
So..that is it. The blog for today. oh…Not yet..I went to Steinmart for the first time today looking for a black scarf. I got desperate that is why I went there. I hate that store too. Not as much as Kohls but pretty close.
Is it rude to ask someone if you can come to their wedding?? I think I am going to ask someone. I really want to go and they are going to have THE coolest wedding and I really like the bride. She is great. And I really want to steal all of her ideas for my wedding to come in the future. I think I will facebook her about it. I think she will let me come. I will let you know what she says and if she thinks that is rude. ….
…..K. I just sent her a facebook message.
I never want to live in India or Florida. They both sound really hot.
I wonder if the brown girls who like white boys are as obvious looking as white girls who like brown boys. hmmm. i re-read that sentence like 5 times. don’t know if people will get it. It sounds right in my head. 
I have some friends. I have a couple that are dear friends and one that is dearest. This is the end of my randomness blog.