Category Archives: funny

Old posts

Things are changing. I will give updates soon. The reason I haven’t been blogging is that I am getting new internet service and for some reason it takes weeks and weeks to get it installed so annoyed. But anywho. I am at the bookstore now so I decided to post. I want this one to be sort of a walk in the past. I have gone back and re-read some of my old posts and compiled some of my favorites. Please only pick the one that you are in the mood for. Thanks.

If you want to laugh then read:
My Milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
If you want to read just blabber then read:Coffee talk.
If you want to laugh again then read: Maryland.
If you are fairly new to the blog and and didn’t know that a year ago I was a dental hygiene student but then failed out then read:It’s over..or is it just beginning?
If you want to know what makes me happy then read:It Really makes me Happy when…..
If you want to see hot guys:Beckham
If you want to see Kim Kardashian:Kim Kardashian
If you want to see me half naked:so much to say
If you are going through a hard time:Painful pages
If you are sick of my blog and want to make something for dinner:101 cookbooks
If you want to see how cute my child is:Bailey

That is all folks.

Bailey

Bailey rubbed my head today and said, 
“Mom. You are like a brown panda”.
This was a cute hat that she got for Christmas from Anthropologie and her panda which she named ‘Jack’. She wants to drag this huge panda everywhere and she likes to show off her hat by saying,
“I want to show you my balls!”. 
This kid is funny.

"Mom, is that you?"

I am tired. So much to do this month. Everything is, of course, coming together. Why do we ever doubt. The Lord loves us and loves the details of our lives. Things are going to look really different come spring. I am excited for these changes. Bailey just asked me to lick her finger and I did.

I.don’t.play.

Dude: “Ey. I waz jus admirin yo beauty and wanted to know may I take you out to dinner sometime.”

Me: “No you may not.”

Bailey

It is Bailey’s birthday. I cannot believe that 3 years ago today, I was in the most excruciating pain of my life, which, after a mere 23 hours, ended with a 20lb weight loss and a blonde haired, blue eyed little girl. I love this kid more than I can express as I know all of you parents out there can understand. Here is a list of some of the ridiculous things she has said recently:

-“I like brown boys; mommy likes white boys”


-“I want to be a tomato when I grow up or a helicopter like my uncle Nate” (she means a chiropractor)


-“Because I am white” (after asking her why she is so cute)


-“Momma, I like your butt and your toes” (?)


-“That sounds dangerous” (after telling her that she will be flying back from Kansas City with her mimi and grandma)


-“But I have to because it’s my birthday!” (after telling her that I don’t want her to grow up or get bigger)


Love you Bailey boo!!

Fun facts or stupid facts or just poppycock.

1. You would never catch me sitting on a rooftop like that. I am deathly afraid of heights. Wait…I am also a liar. I have kinda sat like this (but not THAT close to the edge) with a fun friend in Kansas City. I don’t recommend it.

2. There is a mini crunch bar in my bed at the moment. I found it this morning. I don’t know why it is there. It is under the sheets. The interesting part of all of this little crunch bar story is that I didn’t move it. I left it there. What does that say about me?

3. I make a huge breakfast every morning: potatoes, onions, 3 eggs, cilantro or basil, sea salt, fresh ground pepper, jalepenos.

4. I have a brown corduroy duvet cover on my bed now. Its my “winter” duvet. I think duvets should be changed with the seasons.

5. last movie I saw in theaters was “Eat, Pray and Love”. That takes away from my street cred I know.

6. I have never been to the West Coast or Europe and am dying to go to both.

7. I own 5 pair of tweezers.

8. I cannot stand the orange Dial soap. It is just stupid.

9. I think sharing a spoon with someone is so gross and unhygienic. It doesn’t matter if you are kissing that person. Wait. Let me rephrase that. It has nothing to do with you. It doesn’t matter if I am kissing or have had kissed that person. I will not. I repeat. WILL NOT. Share a spoon. That is just vial. Forks are welcome and so is a straw but a spoon. YUCK!

10. I am a shape snob. Circles are chubby, triangles and going in too many directions, rhomboids…whatever. Squares are where its at.

11. Places you won’t ever find me: Walmart, Kohls, Abercrombie, Chick-fil-a just twice but I don’t like it…so I guess I should take it off the list. Nope. Keepin it, Charlotte Roose that place is so bad it doesn’t deserve the proper spelling , Subway, Vera Bradley don’t get me started,  GameStop and Petco.

12. I eat ice cream every day.

13. I don’t think 30 Rock is that funny.

Roller coaster

The last loop-de-loop of this roller coaster ride is up ahead. I can’t wait to get off.  

Newsflash: Missouri is not Kansas

I have been getting some funny responses lately when people hear the response to where I am from. RECENT INCIDENT #1:  Just last week at work, I asked the shoe shine guy what time the Missouri/Nebraska game was on. I work at Nordstrom. They have a shoe shine guy. Or 3. They are all 60 year old black men that are hilarious.  So the guy looks at me, while in the middle of shining a beautiful chestnut wingtip Santorelli, and laughs out loud. The man whose shoe he was shining also laughed and so did the 2 other guys that were standing there. I asked why the laughs were necessary and mentioned that I was rooting for Missouri and so I cared about the game. That made them laugh harder. The shoe shine guy said, “MISSOURI? Who is from Missouri?”.  More laughs rose and as I walked away shaking my head. A few minutes later the guy came up to me and said again, “Missouri?”. I let him know that he did not ask as question and that he just said the name of my home state. He then said, “Are there black people in Missouri?”. I said yes and that I was from Kansas City. He said, “OH. Kansas City! They killin people up in Kansas City”. I said yeah and that I would also cut him if he keeps mocking my state.

RECENT INCIDENT #2
Yesterday, while at work, this sweet little woman from Scotland asked to help her find something in the store. She was adorable, purely due to the accent, and I, of course in Bre fashion, started to talk back to her in my Scottish accent. I found out that she was a flight attendant and the airline had lost her luggage so all she had was the trousers she was wearing and a pull over which she called a “jumper”. I thought that was cute. Anywho. I told her that I would love to visit her country someday and she told me about the castles and what not. She asked where I was from and I said Kansas City due to the laughs that Missouri gets I thought it might sound a bit cooler to say Kansas City.  Her little face lit up as did mine when she said that she was from Scotland. She said, “OH! I will have to tell my daughter that I met Dorthy! She will be thrilled!!”. This lady was excited about it to. I had to bust her bubble and let her know that I was not from Kansas. She didn’t care and carried on about the Wizard of Oz. She explained to me that her daughter wouldn’t know the difference and how cool it was.

These people out here act like I am from some little country state in the middle of nowhere where the people worship the alters of Wal-mart and drive old trucks. They make it sound like there are cows and workin men in Carharts on the sides of the dirt roads. Like people have little gardens and hang their clothes on clothes lines and know everyone in town. Well, let me be the first to say: SO WHAT!!  It’s a great place with great people and good food. Everything is close and traffic means cars on the road and I can’t wait to visit over Thanksgiving!

always with wings

the last post was so boring and ridiculous that i had to redeem myself. 

Maryland

There are few places I don’t ever want to live.
#1. India

I spent today in Maryland for a photo shoot. I went by McDonald’s for a quick bite after my little commute. I was greeted at window #1 by a I had to do a double take and check for a bra girl. A female. I would not call her a woman. She had female parts the parts I could see.  She has a freshly shaved head and her brown arms were covered with tats. Not like pretty girl tats but like thug tats. Like she has seen some thangs. Like she has popped a few caps in an ass or two. I got scared. I gave her my 2.11$ for my cheeseburger and small fry and rushed to the second window……BUT…I think her twin was working the second window. Another black female with a shaved head. Is there some new dress code at Maryland McDonald’s?? This female was scarier than the first and she had a cross tattoo under her eye. WHO DOES THAT!!!!! I will tell you who does that….that chick at McDonald’s in Maryland does that. So she gives me my bag of goodness but I really wanted a water. My voice cracked as I asked her, in the most suburban voice ever, if I could get a water too. I was nervous. She gave me a look as though she was about to make a value meal out of me by ripping my heart of my chest, putting it on a sesame seed bun, adding fries and a red drink. Fortunately, I made it out alive. My fries were not good but I was not about to take them back.
#2. Maryland