I first want to let you know that my excitement for you has nothing to do with, well, you at all. To be honest, you are not a favorite of the months because I know that what follows you are three of my other least favorite months. I know, however, that in order to get to the goal of cool, crisp evenings on the porch with a jacket and a cup of coffee, I must endure you.
I am not a fan of your mugginess, your bugs or your fashions. I am just letting you know my heart. I want to be real with you and these are the things that my heart has been feeling for quite some time now. I will try my hardest not to complain and to accept you for who you are. You are a season that I dread but at the same time, you represent a season of sowing so that the reaping MAY come. Just so you don’t get too insecure I wanted to let you know that there are a few things that I am looking forward to in you. I, hopefully, will complete my first year of Dental Hygiene with you present. I will get a week of in which I have many adventures planned. I will also get to start my second year of Dental Hygiene school in which I am very much looking forward to. I will get to pick some things from my wonderful little garden, I will get to continue to live in the peace that is my home with Bailey. I will get to crank the air condition, drink iced tea and eat a lot more ice cream. I will get to know my friends more, drink more water and put on a swimsuit. Before this is done. I really wanted to make some vows to you this year.
-have more fun with you
-dress more fashion forward
-eat more ice cream
-go to bed earlier
– read the WORD more
–call my brothers more
–eat more ice cream
These are my vows to you dear May.
What a crazy mesh of emotion my heart is going thru right now. It is really hard to believe that one can feel deeply saddened and grieved yet at the exact same moment feel absolute joy. The heart can feel completely alone and isolated all the while feeling surrounded and protected. I don’t know how this works. Life has never felt more real than it does now. Life is so hard and complex and yet so simple and beautiful.
The Lord is bringing up so much in my heart. I am easily reminded of my lack. Of my mess. Of my fears. Of the place that I am in now and all that I will need to go through to come out better than when I went in. I don’t know how to walk this out. I don’t know what I should be doing this year. I mean, I know I will be in school, moving, finding a job and taking care of Bailey but I don’t know what my HEART is suppose to do. I prayed a really scary prayer again last nite. You know that prayer of asking the Lord to do what it takes in order to get you into the place that He has called for you. If you have not prayed that then please note: God is Faithful. I prayed that prayer about a year before I left for Hawaii to do my DTS with YWAM. That was one of the loneliest years of my life. I lived alone, had no friends and no man even looked at me. BUT…I learned so much that year. I was broken to a new level. My heart started to become free.
I feel like this year is going to be a year of breaking free and allowing the Lord to fight for me.
“The Lord will fight for you- you need only to be still!”
This is the most comforting yet frightening scripture to me. For 1. I am a fighter. 😉 2. Being still?
AHHH! So to sum things up. I need all the prayers I can get for this year because you better believe I want all that the Lord has for me. You better believe I have so much to learn and have every intention to go thru the fire. And you better believe that just because my heart is joyful and I am strong in the Lord DOES NOT mean that I am not sad and broken and so weak sometimes. One of the difficult and lonely thing about being a strong black woman and a strong white woman is that people tend to leave you alone because they see that you are not wimpering in a corner. There are days that I do wimper in the corner. BuT! I will not allow the enemy to destroy me. I have to get up. I have a destiny and a hope and a future that needs to be had. I will have it. If you know me even a bit then you know that I hate to lose. Maybe coming from an athletic family and being the oldest of 2 wonderful brothers (whom I seriously destroyed over the years) has made me that way. Of course it has.