Category Archives: music

Forever Reign

Im running to YOUR arms, Im running to YOUR arms
The riches of YOUR love will always be enough
Nothing compares to YOUR embrace’

One step

“A distant sound is hard to hear even a sound as loud as thunder.
A distant heart is full of fear a distant soul has lost its’ wonder.
Sometimes it’s hard to hear Your voice, my God.
Is the reason that You’re whispering because 
You’re one step away?”
-Jason Upton


In a foreign land. You haven’t heard your native language in weeks. Walking thru the market you  hear what seems to be sweet music to you ears. The English language. You put down the wonderfully odd shaped piece of fruit and rush to meet the sound. You ask them where they are from and they could be from Maine or Arizona or South Dakota but none of that matters because at that moment you are both connected on such a deeper level. Whether they are Mormon or Vegetarian or Republican or a Broncos fan means nothing. The excitement is great. You want to know all about this person and their travels and life and childhood. At least I do. I have found an artist who speaks my language. It feels as though he has read my journals, saw my thoughts and somehow, translated all of that into song. I feel exposed when listening to his work. It feels right and necessary and honest.

28 song life

Today has just been swell. I got the job at Nordstrom, which I applied for last week, and will start on Tuesday with my training….well, I would have started Tuesday had I not booked  a photoshoot. 🙂 Oh life. The shoot will probably be nothing like the picture above but we can all keep our fingers crossed..
Oh.. I know what I really wanted to write about.
One of my favourite friends A. asked me a few weeks ago for the cd of my life. She didn’t really put it like that but kinda. So today, I sat in front of my mac with my itunes opened and went through all the songs, putting together a compilation of a “few” songs that I would pick to sum up my life.
I cried.
I am so glad that I did that.
I learned so much about myself and my journey through that little project.
I tried not to use the same artist twice but Damien Rice and Laura Hackett got 2 songs on my disc.
I was able to sum up my life in a mere 28 songs. Other artists include: Kirk Franklin, Feist, Bach, Jason Upton and Black Eyed Peas. Songs include: Thunder Rolls, Single Again Remix and Everything is Everything. It has been a great day. I put the songs in order of my life events. What would the album of your life sound like?
T-minue one more day till my birthday week 🙂

coffee talk

Okay. So have I mentioned how much I love this coffee shop? Last time I was here okay, not the last time. the last time i learned from L. that just because you speak Swedish, it doesn’t mean you are from Sweden 🙂 I got lemonade from Jose’. This time……Rob, the pastry chef here at Northside, whom I see but have never met, until today, brings me a piece of chocolate that he made…..ummmm. What kind of chocolate is it you might be asking? CARDAMOM!!!!! I asked him how he knew that I am obsessed with Cardamom. He didn’t know. That just made my day. I am eating Cardamom chocolate right now while sipping my iced coffee. wow. Life be good.

I also just saw lightning hit some light pole across the street and catch it on fire. Pretty cool. and scary.

This week went well. I put some effort in my business, hung out with some new characters, spoke with a British accent for 2 days, received 2 letters from penpals, ate the best cheeseburger ever, made some delicious food, cut Bailey’s hair, paid bills, and told the Dean of Dental Hygiene that I would not be back in the fall. So..pretty eventful.

My heart, as of this week, is at a place that it has never been before. I feel so content. It doesn’t feel like a sitting in a hammock on the beach sort of contentment but rather a carving powder on a snowboard down a black diamond sort of contentment.  All is right and everything is happening according to the Author. I feel so aware of the scenes around me. It’s the difference between drinking wine and going to a wine tasting. With tasting, you pick out notes, flavors, hints of berry and spice. There is a song that I have been listening to from a cd mix that my dear friend G. made for me. One of the lines goes,
“We have tasted life, we have taken on, with a big breath out and a big breath in. We say LA LA LA LA LA LA LA”.

I just love that. I am tasting life. Enjoying every bit of it. It is full bodied and complex with hints of cardamom.

coffee talk

What a beautiful day for coffee talk. I got here really early today and I think that is what I will do from now on. I am sitting outside. The weather is perfect. A few minutes after sitting down a girl named K. asked to sit at the table with me (the outside is pretty packed). I, of course, said yes knowing she would be blogged about and that we would share stories. She apologized for interrupting but little did she know that she was not interrupting but rather fulfilling her role as a character in my page that sounded like i am way too full of myself and like her sole purpose in life is for me. that is not, however, what i meant. I found out that she is getting into Nutrition. She spoke about the amounts of Calcium in ice cream, the B12 in certain vegetables and how tomatoes and onions release more of their vitamins when cooked. I am pretty sure it was onions. K..if you are reading this feel free to correct me 🙂 I told her that I blogged and she knew that she would be blogged about. She is 23 and from the Northern Virginia area. She sings. She loves food and has a boyfriend. She has 2 tattoos. One is on her left scapula and is from the Opera Carmen. the other is on her left hip and is from Phantom of the Opera. I told her that I have seen Phantom of the Opera and that I would see Carmen. She stayed well past her lunch break but didn’t seem too concerned about being late.
I saw the lovely professor whom I pegged as a photographer. He was in business clothes which he is usually not in. He waved and I waved as he walked by and he asked if I was blogging. I told him that I was about to but not about him. sometimes i lie. but not on purpose
There is a man that I told K. that I would blog about. He has lovely grey hair and it is pulled back in a ponytail. An orange ponytail holder. He is on his iPhone that has a white case. He has grey scruff which goes perfectly with his look. He is wearing a white t-shirt and has the sleeves rolled up. He is wearing light khakis which are cuffed. His socks and shoes are off. He has nice shoes. They look like they are Italian leather. He is reading the Uncanny. I asked him what he was reading. I tried to read it from my seat but could only see the cover which is of 2 naked women. I was interested. I asked him what it was about and he said that it is a book set in Europe I think Europe is haunting me…in a good way. a very good way.  He said it was psychoanalysis. I don’t think I will ever read it. Some guy just walked out carrying a Lamic. Raspberry. Framboise. My favorite. And I digress….
The man reading “The Uncanny” is drinking a bottle of Pellegrino. So classy. He is a confident man. So sophisticated. He has a slight blonde streak in his hair but you have to stare at him for a while in order to see it. It is a nice touch.
There many more people out here. 21 to be exact not counting me. I do not have time to write about them. There are 4 mac’s opened here on this patio. There are 2 business meetings going on. One seems quite boring with a legal pad and some guy with his phone on his belt. There are some artsy guys behind me in a meeting with 2 people talking about visual arts and creating and imaging and mediums and spaces and projects and poets and LA and hipsters and collaborations and perspectives and feelings.
There are 2 people studying. There is one dog and 5 people wearing green shirts.
I love this place. I have been on an Adele kick. Have you heard that voice? She is from London. I love her. She sings in my range. I sing with her way too loudly in my car. She has a song called “Hometown Glory”. I love it. Some lines are,

   “Round my hometown, memories are fresh
Round my hometown, ooh, the people I’ve met
Are the wonders of my world, are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of this world, are the wonders and now”
I nearly cried, yes. i cry. i am a baby. don’t let this tough exterior fool you…i am a baby. on my way here today listening to that song. I feel like this place is my home. This is my hometown. I feel so connected here. These are my people, whether or not I know them. I feel connected to them. I am getting to know them. Their stories. These people are the wonders of my world. I am so happy right now. I am so happy right now.  Jose’, one of the guys who works here, just brought me lemonade. How nice is that. I am so happy. 

ITS OVER….or is it just beginning?

Remember a few blog posts ago how I was talking about Esther and her early story and if I failed out of the Dental Hygiene program that it wouldn’t be the end of the world??? WELL…..
I failed out.
The world is still going.
Yep. I got the call from the Dean today. It is the end of the road for me. I did not get a rose. The jury has spoken. The fat lady sang. Done. 
Alrighty. What did I do when she told me??? I cried a bit. Not too crazy. Just a bit. I mean….I bit more than that but I called a friend and that stopped the crying a bit. 
I failed.
So…the great thing about blogging is that you get to be held accountable for what you posted days before. For some reason I have this crazy peace in heart. This confident hope in my heart that God is on the throne. That it was to be a part of my story. 
Some things in the story, I chose to write in..Like what I wear and eat and who I call and have coffee with but other things like a cheating husband, failing out of school and a baby getting sick kinda get written in for you. Well, I feel that I did the best that I could considering my situation. And that is all I could have done. 

The good news:
I don’t have to go to school in the summer
i can go to Kansas City soon
I can stay up late and blog
I get to be with Bailey more
Faith is getting activated

So here is where the rubber meets the road.
My eyes are on the Lord. My eyes are on YOU. My eyes are on YOU. I have no strategy at this point. I have no plan. I don’t know where I am suppose to work. My eyes are on  YOU LORD. 
New Chapter. 
(The book is getting good. Character is at a crossroads. Does she start back up in the fall and re-do her year and then graduate a year later? Does she work at Anthropologie and have the greatest wardrobe ever? Does she get divorced sooner than expected? Does she move? Does she get some amazing modeling job and become rich over nite? Does she work for minimum wage somewhere struggling to keep her head above water? Stay tuned)

Not my will or my plans or the way that I want. I’m so tired of my hands in the way. So reveal to these eyes the true heart of my Father. Today. Lord teach me how to pray. “-Jason UPton


  • Flexible – This is the ideal. Similar to selective rigid boundaries but the person has more control. The person decides what to let in and what to keep out, are resistant to emotional contagionmanipulation and are difficult to exploit.


thanks to wikipedia. there are 4 types of personal boundaries. soft.spongy.rigid. flexible. the first 3 are not the best.

Another sleepless night. So much is going on in this noggin of mine. Things just never go according to “plan”. My plan. The Lord reminded me of the word BOUNDaries while I lay awake last nite. I wanted to write it all down then but I was just too tired to get up. This past year or so for me has really been about learning what that word means. I have learned that boundaries are not something that you put on someone else. They are for you. For me. They are a choice and they demand an action. Boundaries are beautiful. They are like a promise. The word doesn’t look so freeing. I mean-the first half of the word is BOUND. Its like the terms submission is reference to a wife of her husband. It sounds so limiting. But its quite the opposite. Boundaries say:  you can talk like that but I will not listen, you can make a mess but Im not going to clean it up, you can come home drunk but I will not be here, you can try to put me down but I am staying up.  Its hard at first. You have to make them known.

Being bound and having boundaries are quite different. My heart has been bound for so long.  My heart has been abused. My story is one of freedom. Freedom with boundaries. I am learning a new set of boundaries. I am LEARNING. I don’t know this new set yet. I don’t know how this works. I am in a difficult yet so beautiful season of life right now. I feel like I am in a waiting place. Like an airport.  Flight is canceled. Its not suppose to be. Don’t know when the next flight will take off. Just waiting.  I love the artist from Kansas City by the name of Laura Hackett. (get it on itunes) Her songs are raw and real and beautiful and sad and hopeful. Raw.Real.Beautiful.Sad.Hopeful. There is a song on her newest album and I think its called “There’s a gap” it goes:
                                            “What’ll I do here in the waiting. What’ll I do with my unsatisfied heart. What’ll I do here in the waiting. In the tension of believing again and again and again. “
I love that. The tension is real. The question is real. What’ll I do Lord? I am waiting. I keep believing. The Lord has not once let me down. People have. Lots and lots of people have. That is okay. I am sure I have let some of you down too.

I am reading this book called,”A Million Miles in a Thousand Years” by Donald Miller. I am seeing things different. My thoughts are different. The end of chapter 12 made me cry. Here is goes:
                “…that we were designed to live THROUGH something rather than to attain something, and the thing we were meant to live through was designed to change us. THE POINT OF THE STORY IS THE CHARACTER ARC, THE CHANGE”        hello!!

can i get an AMEN?! I am being changed. So back to boundaries. I will write them down. I will tell a friend. I will have accountability. I will not facebook chat at 1am. I will sleep. Maybe I will facebook chat at 1. Gotta think about that one. I will trust that the Lord knows what’s up and that HE is bigger than  the problem. That HE knows my heart. He created it. He loves me. done.