Category Archives: scared

Confession

Confession:
I need to be more bold.
I get nervous when it comes to approaching people.
I have this little fashion blog and the idea of it is to capture the style of folks that I run into on the street. 
I don’t know why I wanted to do this. It terrifies me. 
So today, I am sitting at Starbucks. I see this old Japanese man who is just DARLING. 
i should have stolen him.
I wanted to take his picture. But instead, I just stared at him like a creeper.
No picture. No blog post.
Just scared me with my camera and mac and espresso.
What makes you nervous ?

It’s time..

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together; 
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to throw away;” 
Ecclesiastes 3:1,5/6

I have never before read those lines. The sweet little morsels were sandwiched between the lines I have frequently heard about being born and dying; war and peace. 
Something new is happening. 
I do not know what it looks like just yet but I am committed to the story and to finding out what the next chapters holds.
I have been in a season of WAIT and my soul is feeling the pull to GO.
I know not where; I know not when, but as I read the Word of God, I see over and over again a little line that pierces my heart. 
as they went“.
The Lord shows up over and over again as people were on the journey somewhere. I don’t think these folk expected God to show up along the journey. I think they were waiting for the destination. I think we do this all to often. 
‘When I get married…”
“When I get that job…”
“When I move to……….”

It is time. 
I. am. going. 
I fully expect the Lord to show up as I go. The destination is great and I am excited for it, but the transformation that is going to happen in these next few pages is way more critical to the story than where I actually end up. 
I am not scared as I walk into the unknown.
I am frightened for what would happen if I stay put…. 

Just a few stones

photo: vi.sualize.us
I have been studying the story of David in 1Samuel.
 I am blown away by this man in his faith and confidence in the LORD. 
There is one line that just baffles me:
17:48 “When the Philistine drew nearer to meet David, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet the Philistine.”

Ran. Quickly. Toward.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So you mean to tell me that there was this giant who was about 10 feet tall whom David had to fight, David was no MMA fighter by the way, and because of his relationship with the LORD, he knew that the LORD would deliver him from the hand of this giant??? AND…You mean to tell me that David didn’t use the weapons that King Saul gave him. He took his armour OFF?
Is this kid crazy??
And THEN the little knuckle head went over to the river bed and picked up some STONES. Rocks. Pebbles. Was he THAT ignorant. Does he realize how silly he looks? Does he know how many people are watching and how much is at stake? 
Maybe he should have paused for a bit and weighed out all the pro’s and con’s for his actions. Clearly, if he thought this out logically he would realize that there was no way he could have won.
But this man knew his God. 
vs50 “So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and a stone, striking down the Philistine and killing him; there was no sword in David’s hand.”

Are we begging God to rescue us from the giants that are ready to destroy us or do we run quickly into battle with full confidence in what the LORD has spoken over us. 


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When life sucks

Let’s get real and honest and real honest.
Sometimes life sucks really bad. Like all kinds of cuss words bad. I wake up and I wish I hadn’t. I hate my life and it is doing nothing to love me back. I have eaten all the food in the fridge, watched WAY to much reality tv or basketball, because I’d rather live in their reality than my own, but worse than all of these, it feels as if GOD has put his iPhone on silent while traveling the world helping everyone else but me. This is usually not a one day thing, although those do happen, but in my situation, it lasts more like weeks, months and even YEARS!!
Feel free to jump down here anytime and rescue me LORD! Do you see me down here dodging grenades and shrapnel favorite word all while trying to protect my job and my marriage and my future from being destroyed. DO YOU SEE ME???? Hello? Anyone? Beuller?
And then I start to feel crazy because CLEARLY, if I was a real Christian, I would be quoting cute little scriptures, listening to happy songs while boppin around smiling with glee and not overeating. But that is not the case.
I cry out to God and sometimes use bad words. I ignore my friends and family. I light candles and listen to Jason Upton while hoping my neighbors don’t hear me sobbing through the thin floor below. I shop, I work more, I sleep. I bite my cuticles and gain/lose a bunch of weight. I get really mad at that lady in church, you know, the one with the silly little Bible cover who seems to be living in a different decade,  marchin around tooting her horn of gladness while I am losing extremities down here in the trenches.
 Life feels more like a waging war than a smooth victory.
But I am a real Christian. Go read the Bible. That book is filled with stories of a bunch of scared women, lazy men, old Kings, stuttering goof balls, young Queens, helpless families and homeless people, whom God loved so much that HE allowed HIS child to die for and redeem. It’s quite crazy actually.  None of these people had giddy easy lives. They complained and got in trouble and slept with people they shouldn’t have and didn’t listen and they did all kinds of ridiculousness. If you search a bit, I’m sure you will find a few stories that sounds somewhat like your own. I know I have. And this gives me hope.
So we, in our desperation, helplessness and last bit of energy, have got to keep fighting. We must grab hold of the Word of God, get on our faces, begin to worship HIM and see if HE doesn’t send the
 Red CROSS to save us. 
I have a feeling HE did and HE does and HE will. I also think that when HE does come down to rescue us, HE may ask for us to lift our hand up so HE can grab it. In our pain and weakness, we may have to make an effort and reach out. It may not seem fair or fun or logical, and it probably won’t be, but if we could just see above the storm to the freedom, healing, restoration and victory that awaits…..
Have you every gone through a season like that?

I almost quit

photo: vi.sualize.us/
So I almost quit today.
 I wanted to. Like really bad. Not sure it would rank it in the top 5 wanting to quit times but it was def. in the top 20.
 I’m sure you have never wanted to just walk the heck out of your life- Get in your crappy car or your nice leased car, crank up some Metallica or Lil’ RapsALot or whomever gets your gears-a-grindin, hit up the QuickieMart, fill up the tank, get a highly caffeinated, overpriced sugary beverage, and get the you-know-what outta dodge! Man oh man. I may or may not have felt that feeling a few thousand times these past few years.
So I did what most folks would do in this sort of crisis.
 I got to Twitter.
 I saw the tweet that my Pastor posted of the sermon I missed while I was in KansasCity titled:
 ‘Gideon pt1’. Link to podcast
Here are some of my sermon notes who takes sermon notes AND actually keeps them and THEN re-reads them and studies them. I do. I will be getting a crown for that. Just sayin :
~Gideon was not in on the high hill when the angel appeared to him; he was in the low valley (ummm..yes. I can relate to that. I am in no high place right now..well, 3rd floor apt. but that doesn’t count.)
~ Gideon was scared; that is why he was hiding in the wine press (His people were being attacked and he had no idea what to do. I have no clue what to do either)
~Few do what Gideon does-HE DOESN’T QUIT. If you quit then you don’t see the victory (ooh. I want that victory)
~God wants to do something through me not for me. God wants those around me to be able to say, ‘only God could have done that!’(Well, considering my current situation, there is no way I can make things happen. It has GOT to be GOD)
~vs 12, the angel of the Lord calls Gideon a ‘mighty warrior’ although, on paper, Gideon family was the weakest in Manasseh and Gideon says that he is ‘the least important member of [his] family’.(My family is the toughest in  town but I may be the least important member. The point here is that the angel calls Gideon based on how the LORD sees him not who he was on paper. While he was hiding, scared and clearly NOT fighting, he gets called Mighty and a WARRIOR!
I did not feel like a mighty warriorette today. I was a more like the scared Gideona in the earlier verses who was hiding out in the wine press. But that is not what the Lord called me today. The LORD called me out based on who I am in HIS eyes and not who I am on paper. The LORD calls me a mighty warriorette which means :
1. I have got to be strong
2. There is a battle that I am in which means there is something to fight for
So, I did a few push-ups and put on some war paint I did neither of these things and put my perspective in check. I started giving thanks to the LORD, spent some time in worship and most importantly:
I. didn’t. quit!
Have you ever felt like this? 

Roller coaster

The last loop-de-loop of this roller coaster ride is up ahead. I can’t wait to get off.