Unbelievable. This is the last day of the year. Tomorrow is the day that I have been waiting for all year. This year has been the absolute hardest year of my 28 years of living. I am so glad it is coming to an end. As I reflect on the year, my heart can’t help but give thanks. I am thankful for the view in which the Lord allowed the eyes of my soul to see, for without that, I have no idea how I would have made it through this year. I am so glad that 2010 will soon be a memory. I just looked in my journal from last year and the verse I had for this day was Psalm 27:14:
This month, in its first days, purposes to be the most challenging of the year. Life is so hard. So interesting. So out of our hands. You come out of high school thinking you have it all figured out: married, kids, family, great job, cute house, happily ever after…It can really mess with your ideas on life when things don’t go this way.
I think that in this same moment, where the reality of life is juxtaposed with the ideas of how life ought to be, there lies some sort of beautiful mess and freedom and hope. That luckily, things didn’t turn out the way you planned. That there might be a bigger, better storyteller who is in the process of writing a brilliant little story and you are nothing more than the main character. That your job is merely to trust in this Writer. To trust that not only has HE not ever failed your character but that HE also has something planned for your character that you could have never written yourself. From the landscapes your character will see, to the deep pain you will feel, and to the prince/princess your character will fall in love with…HE knows.
Yet sometimes, I still feel that my God is having writers block and is leaving me in the middle of the story going in circles. Maybe it isn’t God leaving me in the story. Maybe it is my character fighting the story. Scared of what the next pages have and unwilling to go through the these very difficult pages. I gotta walk through the painful pages. So do you. For spring lies on the other side of winter.
I vow to walk through the pages of your cold days. Walking through them not because I enjoy them but because I know that there is a better chapter waiting for me. For I know that all of this is but a season. I vow to be honest with my heart and fall deeper in love with the Master Author who is allowing me to be but a character in HIS story. I have waited all year for you December. The old things must die so that life can abound.
Winter is coming. Autumn once again flew by quickly and I am reminded of last winter. I used to enjoy the winter but now I think, more than ever, that I am ready for the spring and all that means for my story. I am ready for new life and new people and new places and new adventures. I am ready to be outside taking in the fresh air that is surrounding me. I am ready for flowers and smoothies and driving with the windows down. It is so unlike me to want to rush this time of the year, as it has been my favorite, but with all that is going on I am ready for it to be over before it has begun. But I am reminded that I must go through the winter to get to the spring. Spring can’t come without the winter. The sweet isn’t as sweet without the bitter. And with that, I walk out another page.
This past week has been beautiful for my soul. Not easy. In fact, quite difficult but a necessary process as I walk out my story. This morning, as I was washing dishes, doing laundry, making cookies, taking sheets off my bed, cleaning Bailey’s room, cleaning out the fridge, getting ready for work and folding clothes Yes. I was doing all of this at once, it hit me.
The tears started flowing as I scooped the last 2 oatmeal cookies onto the cookie sheet. Bailey was in the other room pretending to attack the “Queen” with a princess ball. Then, as quickly as the tears started, the Lord, in His loving kindness met me with these words.
This is only a season & you must go thru this in order to get what I have for you.
Oh sweet Jesus. How you meet me in my little storm. YOU don’t pull me out but you smile upon me as I seek Your face. YOU hold my hand. YOU let me cry on your shoulder. YOU look me in the eyes of my soul and and fill my heart with with joy and peace and grace to keep going. YOU are a faithful GOD who, despite knowing me fully, still stands confidently by my side.