Category Archives: trust

From the journal…

photo: johnfenzel.vox.com

Journal entry: March 23rd 2011

“My story is not for me.It is for you and your doubt and your fear and your abandonment. None of thisstuff matters. Jesus is what matters. And not that your hurt or your sorrow isnot important but it is that, despite that. Despite the mess ups and theimperfections and the failure and the rejection-Jesus. Sweet Jesus. Whispers sogently in the ears of our soul- I love you. I have a plan for you and yourlittle mess of a life. Ive got it. I know you don’t know. I know you don’ttrust and you fear, but darling daughter, you are mine. I picked you. I createdyou. I love you darling. And I, your father, your husband, your maker, willNEVER leave or forsake you. Oh sweet darling. My darling daughter. I love youmore than you could ever imagine. I knew this was going to happen. I knew it.This is not a surprise to me. I am allowing something in your soul to happenthat would not otherwise happen. I know. Cry. Feel. Weep daughter. I will showyou step by step my faithfulness. I know you don’t fully trust me. I know itshard. I will prove my faithfulness to you and you wont ever have to doubt. Butyou will. And I will prove to you over and over again. Because I love you. Youare darling to me. You can not imagine what I have for you. I smile when I seeyou trying to picture it. You can’t even fathom it. You can’t make it happen.Only through your obedience and my grace will you get there. It will be harderthan you trying to do life in your own strength because many a days you won’tknow what is next. It won’t make sense to those around you, like Noah, but knowwhat I have spoken to you daughter. Know my voice. You know my voice. You knowthe still sound of my voice. Follow that. Be gracious and follow that. I willnot leave you. I have not brought you this far to leave you. I will not leaveyou. I am not man who will leave you. I am your God. When you feel like you cango no further; keep going. It is through that push. Just like the last pushesof labor, when you feel you can push no more, that you birth the promises Ihave for you.”
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Are you kidding me?! Pt 2

….The Lord is faithful and here is the continued story from a previous post titled: 
Walking out life trusting the Lord is not as easy/convenient/fun as it may sound.
When the Lord tells you one thing, it seems that everyone else has something different to say:
~get your resume’ together
~move to KC
~women’s shelter
~live with your outlaws
~move to TN
~craigslist
~go back to school
~Mclean Bible website
~move to Wisconsin
..just to name a few
This lead me to open up the Word of God and see if there wasn’t someone else who God told to do something that didn’t really make sense and see how they handled it:
vs14Make yourself an ark of cypress wood; make rooms in the ark…Make a roof for the ark.. and  put the door of the ark in its side; make it with lower, second and third decks. For my part, I am going to bring a flood of waters on the earth, to destroy from under heaven all flesh in which is the breath of life; everything that is on the earth shall die. But I will establish my covenant with you; and you shall come into the ark, you , your sons, your wife, and your sons’ wives with you.”

vs22″Noah did this; he did all that God commanded him.” 

If you are a serious theologian, then you know that a huge flood came, there were lots of animals, 2×2 on the arc, and everyone on the earth, except the arc dwellers, died. 
I decided to listen to the Lord. I waited. I trusted…
except that one time when I got on craigslist and got a heavenly smack on the hand.

The thing was that I could have stayed in the apartment but I just didn’t have the money for it minor details. I had to be out, or write a check by the 7th of January.
A check, from a random person, was handed to me on the 3rd of January.
And this continued, getting a check from random people, 

FOR 7 MONTHS!!!

I put in my notice but found out it was a 60 day notice instead of a 30 day And of course I blogged about it It’s time….
The rent was paid for until I officially moved out on August 8th.
When the Lord says to wait & trust the only thing to do is wait & trust. 
HE is ridiculously faithful. 
Stupid faithful.
I promise.
Then HE told me to go and I went….
but that is a whole ‘nother story.
Thanks for reading.

Are you kidding me?!

The Lord is faithful.
There are so many little stories that I could tell you about how faithful HE has been in these most recent chapters of my story, and I feel that it is now time to start sharing these stories:
Last November/December was a crazy time for me. The lease for my apartment was up the first week of January and I couldn’t afford my 1,200$ a month rent as a single mom. Graciously, some dear friends of mine knew my situation and offered their home to me. We had been talking about this idea a bit since  September and they were more than ready to have Bailey and I in their home. How awesome was that!!! So, as I started to pack(late November), I called to see which weekend would be best to start moving in. The person said, “oh, I am sorry, it’s not going to work out.”…..
WHAT?!
HUH…
What do you mean it’s not going to work out…..
Did we not have a few months worth of conversation about this? 
I was beyond confused but knew the Lord was at work.
So, early December, another friend sits down with me and explains that they need au pair and that I could live with them AND they would pay me. What an amazing opportunity! I was looking to transition jobs and the location would be perfect and I would get to spend my days with Bailey. They needed someone right at the new year too! This was amazing and right on time! 
Journal entry Dec9th:
 ‘When things don’t seem like they will work out, HE makes an even better way than what we could expect’

So Christmas Eve, I get a call from them saying, “It’s not going to work out.”

ARE 
YOU 
KIDDING ME!!!!!
At this point, I had 2 weeks to be out of my apartment. I could stay but I didn’t have the money.
I mean, is 1200$ just suppose to show up from nowhere?

Journal entry Dec 31st:
‘I have no clue what 6 months from now will look like. Who is to say that I won’t be some women’s shelter somewhere. As I was just thinking that, I heard in my head, “I am about to…”. God is about to. I just have to wait on HIM. I have to wait on the LORD. WAIT on the LORD. It is so hard…Things might get harder before they get easier but something in my spirit says its going to be worth it.’

So there I was, days before I had to be out of my unpacked apartment with no money and I feel like I am just suppose to trust the Lord. 
Just wait and trust. 
Here is the post I wrote: 2010
To be continued….

 

Ruthless obedience

I was reading today in 1 Samuel about King Saul.
I long for 100% obedience.
To sum up the chapter, Samuel got a Word from the Lord for the newly appointed King Saul. He tells the King specifically where to go and what will happen when he gets there. He tells Saul about the people he will meet along the way and specifically:
10:8 ‘You must wait for seven days until I (Samuel) arrive and give you (Saul) further instructions‘.
So the story goes on and all things happen just as the Lord had said. Day 7 rolls around and no Samuel. King Saul and his men are starting to freak out (I forgot to mention there were about 3,000 chariots, 6,000 charioteers and the Word says,”and as many warriors as the grains of sand on the seashore!” waiting to kill Saul and his men. So King Saul takes matters into his own hands and commands his people to take up a burnt offering…bad choice.
13:10 “Just as Saul was finishing with the burnt offering, Samuel arrived. Saul went out to meet and welcome him, but Samuel said, “What is this you have done?”

So Saul does his ‘but..but..but.’ and tries to make excuses for what he did.
13:13″How foolish!’ Samuel exclaimed. ‘You have not kept the command the LORD your God gave you. Had you kept it, the LORD would have established your kingdom over Israel forever. 14 But now your kingdom must end, for the LORD has sought out a man after his own heart. The LORD has already appointed him to be the leader of his people, because you have not kept the LORD’s command.”

Moral of the story:
 Be ruthlessly obedient when the LORD tells you to do something, especially when you feel like you are about to be defeated. The Lord is faithful, and as I am learning, HE likes to wait to the last minute to see if we really trust what HE has told us. It is scary and painful and you will feel alone BUT I believe that kingdoms await those who obey. I long for 100% obedience.
“If you fully obey the Lord your God and carefully keep all his commands that I am giving you today, the Lord your God will set you high above all the nations of the world.”-Deuteronomy 28:1

What has the LORD told you to do?

Small girl and white dwarf

Once upon a time, there was a small girl. This girl lived in a small village between the tallest mountain and the deepest ocean. She lived in a quiet home with a tiny white dwarf. One day, the gatekeeper told the small girl that she had thirty-four days to get out of her peaceful home or else they were going to kick her out on the dirty streets with all of her stuff and the white dwarf. The townspeople were in shock by this and kept asking the small girl where she was going to live. But the small girl had no clue.  With no place to go and no clue what the next chapter had in store for her or the white dwarf, the small girl did only what she knew. She worshiped her GOD, sought HIS face and trusted that HE would once again come through for her, as HE has done time and time again. She knew that her GOD would somehow make a way when there seemed to be no way.  That although she could not yet see over this mountain, she must keep walking and that soon, and very soon, she would see over the mountain and then, and only then, will she and the white dwarf be ready for their next adventure.

Provision

There is a freedom that lies in the confident soul of the one who daily trusts in the Lord for His timing and provision. 

God’s got it.

When our gaze is upward, we don’t notice those things that keep us in fear. 
It is just that simple. Eyes on the LORD. 
God’s got it.
God’s got it.
It is in that moment where I take my eyes off the Lord that things get confusing. 
The constant flashes of worry and doubt blind me from the sea of photographers on the shores of the runway. 
I can’t see straight.Eyes on the LORD. 
I don’t know where I am goingEyes on the LORD! 
what if I fall? Eyes on the LORD
what if I fail? Eyes on the LORD!
And just as quickly as my stubborn soul wandered off, it is quickly scooped up again. Waiting…….. Waiting.
Waiting. 
God’s got it.
It is once again well with my soul. 

No clue

Does it look like I have no clue what lies ahead in my little life? In my “beautiful mess” of a life? Because I don’t. I don’t like this feeling. This new feeling of TRUST.
I don’t like it.
It doesn’t feel stable.
It feels reckless.
It doesn’t feel secure.
It feels free. But not in a good free, like a buy one get one free, but like a jumping off a cliff free in the air sort of free.
I chose to jump. I chose to TRUST. Now, I must deal with the consequences of TRUSTING the AlmightY GOD.

Clarity

Craving clarity, we attempt to eliminate the risk of trusting GOD”
My heart for so long has craved this thing of clarity.  This statement shatters all that I have come to know and hope in. The magnitude of what that means on a heart level is so overwhelming that my eyes fill with tears each time I take a moment to breathe that into my soul.  My life will never look the same. It is that tidbit of information (referring to the quote) that stays with you on a daily basis, that haunts you at night that lingers in your mind like a bad wine on the palate.  Knowing that now I am held accountable to it. To TRUST.  Such a FreeIng ReSponsibilitY. I am so humbled by this. It shuts me up, stops my plans, opens my heart challenges my motives and directs my gaze upward.